Growth and Reevaluation [June 2006]

Inspired in part by Ozenwolf's Evolution of a ...Person.

"You constantly reinvent yourself."

At first I balked when my friend interpreted that part of my numerology chart. It had made sense up to that point, and had some interesting alternate perspectives - but that phrase sounded pretty bad. "Constantly reinvent myself"? What was that supposed to mean? It made me sound like some sort of poser; a fake. But he insisted it was true; he said he'd seen evidence of it in me, and after a while of discussing it, I finally understood.

I analyze everything. I know this; sometimes I am proud of it, and sometimes it frustrates me, as it means I often over-analyze. It's both blessing and curse, merit and flaw. The constant analysis of my beliefs, surroundings, relationships, and identity has the side-effect of frequent reinvention of that-which-is-me.

It's not being a poser; if anything, it's the exact opposite. I worried about that for quite some time, but I realized that in questioning, examining, and reexamining what I believe about my world and myself, I peel back layer after layer of illusion and self-deception, getting closer to truth all the time.

It's hard, of course, to admit I'm wrong; I've had to do so more often than I'd like. It's hard, too, because despite all attempts, I do care about what others think, and I worry that I'll appear wishy-washy. I wonder if I am inconstant in my beliefs and perceptions. However, that worry has been a good lesson, too; it's made me more patient and cautious in my redefining. When I suspect something isn't how I'd thought, rather than drop it and change it immediately, I pause and examine it as thoroughly as possible before coming to my conclusion.

It's a process reflected throughout my life.

• Childhood: I dream vividly of flight. So much so that upon waking I run down the driveway like in my dream, arms out, and if I jump just right, at the right moment, in the right way - but I never leave ground for sky, hard as I attempt. Only in dreams.
  
  I build nests of blankets and pillows and sleep in them. What fun! Half an hour of arranging everything just so, and I've got a comfy circular bed.
  
  I love horses and dogs and dragons and I want to be a vet, or maybe a jockey. I write stories and imagine living in the wild. I pretend to be a girl-knight and I'm a tomboy and proud of it!
  
• Age 12: We've moved to Massachusetts, but I'll always be a Texan. I'm going to be a writer. I can't be a vet; I don't want to cut up animals and put them to sleep. I'm alone. I miss my friends. I don't like people here.
  
  I'm mad at God because Dad says "God called us to Massachusetts". Why'd we have to move here?
  
  I still dream of flying.
  
• Age 14: We moved again. Still in this state though. I like animé and video games; this is cool stuff. I'm going to be a writer and I'm writing a novel. I'm a roleplayer. My life is online because offline changes too much; at least online I won't lose friends after moving.
  
  I'm a 9th grade roleplaying writing animal-loving Texan stuck in Massachusetts. I love reading fantasy; Mom and Dad have finally given up on keeping me away from "the evil books".
  
  I kind of wish I was closer to God, like I was when I was littler. Maybe if I had a crisis. A lot of people at church who are close to God have been through something bad that brought them closer to Him. Maybe it's that I've never known anything else. God, give me a crisis.
  
  I think I might be empathic.
  
• Age 16: Moved again, to Ohio this time, because "God called us there". I hate being a pastor's kid. I'm getting pissed at God. And shit, we've moved in the middle of the school year and I'm scrambling to catch up. If I get a C, I'll be grounded from the computer for months! Online people are all I have, everyone else is in MA or TX and... God, I hate this!
  
  I'm an overstressed roleplaying writing internet-addicted empathic Texan PK stuck in the middle of nowhere, Ohio.
  
  I'm like a bird with broken wings. I still dream of flight, but - it hurts.
  
• Age 17: I can't take this. I can't focus on anything, I can't concentrate. Oh God, I'm failing AP Chemistry - and Pre-Calculus... my parents'll kill me. I'm doing horrible at work; why am I working at a restaurant? Shit. They cut my hours. Failure failure failure -
  
  - that bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet looks real good right now.
  
  ...Whoa, too much. I think I need help.
  
  Okay, so I'm depressed. A depressed anxiety-ridden empathic worthless failure. And I can barely call myself Texan anymore. At least I'm writing well - except I'm losing interest in even that. Everything's slipping away.
  
  I'm a broken-winged phoenix. And now I'm chained and caged because I'm in and out of the mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and cutting.
  
  I'm a depressed cutter. And not much else unless you want the list of negatives. Oh, and look, I'm dating someone. Dani's first boyfriend. Joy?
  
  What's this "otherkin" thing people keep mentioning on the Gryphon Guild? ...What? People actually believe they're... oh, man. No. That's not possible. The phoenix thing is just metaphor. Allegory.
  
  Okay. So. I'm a something. A phoenixlike something maybe. Phoenix empath writer depressive cutter. God, I have issues.
  
  And now I'm in a relationship.
  
• Age 18: The boyfriend is a clingy stifling idiot. I'm chained by him to earth, even though my wings are nearly healed. And he keeps pushing the sex issue! What the fuck. Anytime I do anything sexual, I feel so awful I go home and slice myself to ribbons, and he knows, and he keeps doing it. And we haven't even gone below the waist and I'm like this. What's wrong with me?
  
  I need out. But that'd hurt him. Um...
  
  I'm a depressed cutter who's a writer and a phoenix-thing and now I'm a rennie too. And an empath. And sort of a Christian, I guess, though I keep drifting and I have issues to work through there. No, you stupid therapist, I don't want to deal with the God issue, I'm not ready for it!
  
  I'm getting better. Finally broke it off with the slimeball. Now I'm dating someone else who's a lot more respectful. It seems he's a vampire; that's... kind of weird. I'm trying to stop cutting and failing. I'm going to be a college student; I can't wait till I'm out of this house!
  
  At college, at dorms. FREEDOM! I can BREATHE! I can research anything I want, read anything I want; I can start doing tabletop roleplaying without having to hide it; I don't have to delete history files on the comp... what a load off! I've stopped cutting. I've stopped taking meds.
  
  I'm an empathic phoenixkin college student who's a writer and not quite so depressed anymore, and-
  
  - oh god, Adam cheated on me with my best friend. And now he's breaking up with me to date her. I... have never had trust broken like this, I - it's my fault. I'm too much of a stressor.
  
  And I've just lost two months to crying and pain. At least I didn't cut. God, it hurts.
  
  Some roleplaying buddies invited me to a Samhain ritual at a druid grove. I'll have to research this. It looks like an educational experience, if nothing else.
  
  Well, that was - different. Shifty bird. I felt... lots. I like this way of doing things, and so much of it makes sense. Can I be Christian and... whatever, druid or pagan or something, at the same time?
  
• Age 19: I may not be phoenix. My behavior matches birds-of-prey better. Um. Gotta think on this. Um. Oops?
  
  Going to the druid Yule. And - HOLY SHIT they called deities and I SAW THEM. WHAT THE FUCK. Not possible. This isn't how the world works. I know what's real and this isn't. But I saw...
  
  I need to think about this.
  
  Okay. So the world isn't what I thought. Reality is different from what I was told it was. Christianity and paganism aren't meshing for me; I can't make it work. So. Not Christian. I'm... paganish. Or something.
  
  I need to figure out what "reality" is before I go mad.
  
  I'm a pagan rennie roleplaying writing bird, and I'm terrified my parents will find out. And I'm a psychology student, but of course the parents know that. And I'm single and happy being that way. I have family now, family by choice; my emotional needs are filled by that, and my gay brother-by-choice gives me cuddles when I need them.
  
  I think I'm Sekhmet's. And I'm reading about Egyptian paganism and it makes lots of sense! This is what I already believe about the world!
  
  Oh shit, I think I'm falling for someone at faire. Yep. Dammit, I'm happy being single, I'm happy being--crap. I'm dating. No, not going to actually be with him--crap, we're a couple. Oh well. He's extraordinarily respectful (stop putting me on a pedastal! I'm not glass! All right. Better) and patient and it feels like we've been together for years. Wow.
  
  I haven't cut in two years unless you count the one relapse a year ago. I'm not depressed anymore. I'm happy, most times. But oops... I'm not Sekhmet's. Enough jumping to conclusions. I'm going to be meticulous about things now, and careful, and slow.
  
• Age 20: I'm Anpu's. I'm Kemetic pagan. I'm a kemetic pagan rennie roleplaying writing bird who's a Jackal-child and a psychology student. And I'm a lot more comfortable with sexual stuff (finally! no more freaking out like I've got PTSD or something!).
  
  Oh gods, Dad found out about the pagan thing. At least he's handling it well. And we've even had good conversations about it! ...I just realized: I had my crisis, and it did lead me closer to God. Just not the one I was expecting. Oops?
  
  I'm sort of bisexual and sort of polyamorous, but not quite, and it's confusing.
  
  I think I may have jumped to conclusions and been a little peer-pressured when I decided I wasn't phoenix. I'm definitely bird-of-prey, but there's something about phoenix, and I don't know quite what it is. Just archetypal? Totemic (is that even possible)? Metaphorical? Or am I in some way phoenix-ish? This is kind of embarassing. I'll take it very slow and careful.
  
  I think I may have a touch of Discordia--no, no, I am not going near that. I love Discordians, but I will never be one in any way. I'm too orderly for that. (You can stop snickering, Gramps Set.)
  
  I'm almost 21. I'm graduating in a year. Life's moving so fast! I'm a little scared, but mostly... curious, I guess, to see what's next. Life's busy and stressful with work and school and faire and boyfriend and friends and don't forget religion, but - it's good, despite the stress. I'm improving.
  
  I'm an over-curious Kemetic straight-side-of-bi psych-majoring quasi-poly writer-bird, and I'm finally happy with my growth and direction. So long as I don't stop evolving, I'll be happy.

And that's what I've got so far.

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